Heart Thoughts
Posted on February 26th, 2010 by oshell
I recently returned to a place I was sure I would never go back to…..the place where my life and ministry were shattered more than 20 years ago. The place that, for me, held only broken dreams and hopes, and deep loss. A place I felt was best forgotten, and moved on from. A place I was sure I had done just that with.
Now, I don’t mean to give the impression that I was carrying open wounds about it all. The Father has done such a great work of healing in that, and so many other areas of my life. Though the pain of such an experience never completely goes away, it’s power to control my life was long ago broken by the wondrous blood of Christ. I knew I was free, and yet, somehow, something about it all was left undone.
Over the years, I had passed the area a number of times via the interstate, and each time there seemed to be a kind of troubling of my spirit, a sense that the Lord wanted to do one last thing for me, and maybe for the area as well. Being in the area again recently, I knew clearly that this time, I was not to just cruise by, but to actually take the exit, drive down the road, and go back to the place I was sure I would never go back to. Back to a few things that had once been the center of my life.
As I rode through the town, not a lot had changed, and the memories came flooding back. I drove on the streets that I had once walked and prayed on, bringing the needs of my family, the church, and myself before the Lord. I drove past places that were once places of business I had frequented, and others that still were. I drove past the house we had lived in, saw the windows of the various rooms we had lived in, the lawn I had cut…..and the place where I had watched my wife and daughter drive off and leave on that long ago day.
I drove down the road, and turned onto the street where the church was. Nothing had changed much, but I remembered how I had come there, so full of hope and expectation, and remembered the great love and care I’d carried for that place and people, and how it had all ended, and the deep wounds inflicted on my heart and spirit as it did so. And I remembered the day I had left that place, carrying just about all I owned in a 1984 Dodge Colt. I remembered how I didn’t think life could ever be good again, that I’d ever know joy, and most certainly, that He could ever use me further. I thought I was driving off into darkness and oblivion. That was certainly what the devil was whispering in my ear. I was wrong, and he was, as always, lying…..and that was the reason the Lord had led me back here, and why I share this with you today.
Now, I don’t mean to portray myself as a victim. I’m not. I certainly made more than my share of mistakes in those days, and there were things that I needed to repent of. The Lord didn’t bring me back there to tweak my nose at everything, but to do two things. The first was to affirm His truth anew to me.
Over the years, I had passed the area a number of times via the interstate, and each time there seemed to be a kind of troubling of my spirit, a sense that the Lord wanted to do one last thing for me, and maybe for the area as well. Being in the area again recently, I knew clearly that this time, I was not to just cruise by, but to actually take the exit, drive down the road, and go back to the place I was sure I would never go back to. Back to a few things that had once been the center of my life.
As I rode through the town, not a lot had changed, and the memories came flooding back. I drove on the streets that I had once walked and prayed on, bringing the needs of my family, the church, and myself before the Lord. I drove past places that were once places of business I had frequented, and others that still were. I drove past the house we had lived in, saw the windows of the various rooms we had lived in, the lawn I had cut…..and the place where I had watched my wife and daughter drive off and leave on that long ago day.
I drove down the road, and turned onto the street where the church was. Nothing had changed much, but I remembered how I had come there, so full of hope and expectation, and remembered the great love and care I’d carried for that place and people, and how it had all ended, and the deep wounds inflicted on my heart and spirit as it did so. And I remembered the day I had left that place, carrying just about all I owned in a 1984 Dodge Colt. I remembered how I didn’t think life could ever be good again, that I’d ever know joy, and most certainly, that He could ever use me further. I thought I was driving off into darkness and oblivion. That was certainly what the devil was whispering in my ear. I was wrong, and he was, as always, lying…..and that was the reason the Lord had led me back here, and why I share this with you today.
Now, I don’t mean to portray myself as a victim. I’m not. I certainly made more than my share of mistakes in those days, and there were things that I needed to repent of. The Lord didn’t bring me back there to tweak my nose at everything, but to do two things. The first was to affirm His truth anew to me.
That place stood for everything that had been in my life. What was. In the Gospels, when Jesus was confronted by the unbelieving Pharisees, He replied that their ancestors had spoken of and looked for His coming. He told them, “Before Abraham was, I AM.” That town, and all that had taken place there was what was, what had been. Jesus, the great I AM, is what is…..and what will always be. He’s the great reality, and He is greater than whatever we have walked through, are walking through, or will ever walk through. Despite the devil’s lies and accusations, and his greatest efforts to destroy my life, Jesus, the Lifegiver, gave me life…..again and again and again. He not only rebuilt my life, but made it better than it had ever been, and truly gave me a future with hope. Because of that, I didn’t have to avoid going back to a place that was the scene of my greatest defeat and failure, but could instead go into it, fully face it, and know He was able, He had, redeemed it all.
Yes, I did feel a sadness and heaviness as I drove about, but not from a sense of bitterness or anger, but I think, very much in response to the deep spiritual need that still exists in the area. When I had left so long ago, I had, so to speak, ”shaken the dust off my shoes.” What He led me to was to pray for them, for the ministry of the church, and the town. For an area that He loves, and longs to reach with the fullness of His life and message.
I recently heard a young minister tell a story of coming into a town called Hope, and he noticed a sign on the edge of town, saying “Welcome to Hope.” He said what struck him so strongly was that no matter how far he drove, he never did see sign that said “Leaving Hope.” He said he wanted to live a life that always welcomed us into hope, and never allowed us to lose hope. When I left that town so many years ago, I felt bereft of hope. But I wasn’t, and He has proven that to me time and time again.
Yes, I did feel a sadness and heaviness as I drove about, but not from a sense of bitterness or anger, but I think, very much in response to the deep spiritual need that still exists in the area. When I had left so long ago, I had, so to speak, ”shaken the dust off my shoes.” What He led me to was to pray for them, for the ministry of the church, and the town. For an area that He loves, and longs to reach with the fullness of His life and message.
I recently heard a young minister tell a story of coming into a town called Hope, and he noticed a sign on the edge of town, saying “Welcome to Hope.” He said what struck him so strongly was that no matter how far he drove, he never did see sign that said “Leaving Hope.” He said he wanted to live a life that always welcomed us into hope, and never allowed us to lose hope. When I left that town so many years ago, I felt bereft of hope. But I wasn’t, and He has proven that to me time and time again.
You may well be in the midst of a journey that feels much the same. You may be in circumstances even more bleak, and the devil whispers his lies in your ear daily. Truly, as His Word says, “Hope in God….for He will yet save you.” Not as you may think, or want, but He will, and He won’t be late. He’s there in the journey, and if you will hold onto Him, even if with the most feeble of strength, He will bring you out, and in victory. And though you need never live in what was, you can face it, and triumph over it, because He is!
Blessings,
Pastor O
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